Trust me.

Never see a Dane Cook movie.

Mama Mia!

I just wasted my nap to watch this movie. Not a good move-E (Did you see what I did there?). I don't know what I was expecting- it is a musical and I am less than fond of most musicals.

Mama Mia!. The story of a girl in search of the father she never met. And ends up with three. Shoot. I hope I didn't just blow the movie for you. Well, now you don't have to see it.

Although the cast was star-studded and did include one of my all time favorite actors, this movie was l-a-m-e.

The most entertaining part of the film was unfortunately, I'm sure, not meant to be entertainingly funny. Pierce Brosnan singing. ...That's too bad.

I don't know. I guess it was okay for what it was. I'm sure I'm just a cynic, but when I watch a movie- even a Broadway adaptation of a movie, I expect for it to feel like a movie. I had the same problem with The Producers and I'm not even going to try and watch Rent. Much too campy. I'll wait until David can take me to New York or at least Vegas.

What it is worth to me:

Maybe seeing it in person. I hope the film didn't blow it for me.

Twilight.

I did it. I saw Twilight.

I don't even know what to say about it.

So- maybe I'll take a different approach to my movie review with this one:





Edward. Why is your hair so big? And you are supposed to float when you walk. Why did you walk down the hall like a gorilla? I wanted you to be Prince Charming in vampire form. I guess I didn't hate you, but I didn't dream about you the night after either.


Bella. I think David put it best when he said this "Was she supposed to be constipated the whole movie?" I know she was written as awkward, but come on.


Rosalie. Uh.... Isn't she supposed to be the hot one?


Jasper. Where have I seen you before? Oh, that right...





There were a few times that I actually laughed out loud during the film. One time in particular was when they lined up on the baseball field and were about to have a serious show down- jets verses sharks style. Another was Edward's tree climbing adventures.

Ok- it wasn't all bad. The kissing was sexy.

I mean- yes, the book itself was cheesey, but it played out so much better in my head. I don't know why they didn't choose me to cast and direct the film, but if they would have- it would've been a dream come true. I'll have my people give them a call so we can get started on A New Moon.

What it's worth to me:

If you've read the book of course you have to see it. In fact, if you've read the book you have already seen it. I'd watch it again- to see if it's better the second time, but I'm pretty sure it won't be. Also, I wish there was more making out. I give it some shifty eyes and maybe an out loud "zing" or two.

Oh, and I can't tell you how scared I am for The Breaking Dawn movie. CGIed babies? Lets hope for the best.

Over Her Dead Body

So, okay.

The poster for this movie was reason enough to wait until I had a free Redbox code to see it. And that was before I knew Jason Biggs was in it.

Eva Longoria. Sure, she can be a Desperate Housewife, but I don't imagine her doing well in a film- and man was I right. She was awful. So was Jason Biggs- as predicted. He stayed strong in his never ending role as the clumsy, awkward guy who can't find love- only this time he was gay...ish. It didn't help or matter.

Surprised as you might be to hear this- I actually liked this movie. Well, not so much the movie as Paul Rudd who you might remember as Cher's adorable ex-step-brother/boyfriend in Clueless. He's hilarious. I was quite impressed. He has been in some funny movies and in some funny roles, but for some reason he shines in this movie. It may be that the rest of the movie is dull and boring and he made it worth watching- I don't know, but I liked him. It was almost as if he was funnier because he figured no one would see the horrible movie anyway.

I would tell you more about the film itself if the title didn't already blow it for you. The only way it could've been more accurate is if it said this "Over Eva Longoria's Poor Excuse for Acting's Dead Body and the Predictable Story that Goes Along With It (including Jason Biggs as himself)." There. That pretty much sums it up.

What it is worth to me:

Paul Rudd was worth it. It was bad, but not painful. I don't know if I'd recommend it, but I wouldn't claim it either.

Duplex

Movie: Duplex

Dreadful.

This was on yesterday as I was laying on my death bed. That was a few hours I'm never getting back.

I usually love Drew Barrymore, but not this time. I don't know what I expecting- Ben Stiller was in the film after all. The movie really did it for me when these two nice people decide to become murderers. Brilliant. And totally believable. (In case you couldn't tell- I was being sarcastic.)

Shut. Your. Face. I can't believe this. It just came on again. Please hold a minute while I change the channel. Ah... HGTV- that's more like it.

What it's worth to me:

Some Nyquil and a nap.

Across the Universe

In honor of tonight's American Idol tribute to John Lennon and Paul McCartney, I too will pay my respects by reviewing this recently viewed Beatles musical titled "Across the Universe."

This film was the story of "Jude" and his "Lucy." Yeah, a little cheesy, but I can live with that. Jude is hot. The actors name is Jim Sturgess- I think he is going to be big. Lucy looks like every other blond actress in America. I wasn't all that impressed with her.

Now for the goods (or bads): I thought the first 45 minutes of this film were okay and if the movie would've progressed in this fashion I think I would've liked it.

Unfortunately, mid-movie, the writer, director, and producer all took a few hits of acid and the movie turned into a blur of hypercolors and cartoons. There was a point that I actually looked away from the television and thought that my friend Betsy had been by to slip some MJ in my brownies like she said she was going to do at my wedding. Don't worry- I wasn't high. It was just the movie in Technicolor to the max. I understand that the Beatles went through some drug phases and I believe that this portion of the movie was "symbloic" but, come on. Let's be serious.

Another problem with the film was the unfavorable use of songs to create the plot. The Beatles had billions of hits. I wish they would've written the story and then added the songs that corresponded. I'm pretty sure they were sitting in a room and said, "yeah, I want this song to be in there and this one... oh, and this one!.." and then they made characters and scenes that were, well, lame.

The musical did make me want to buy a Beatles album. Maybe that was the intent all along. The movie was made to sell more albums. It worked. I still have "Across the Universe" in my head- which is sad because I only know that one line and a small bit about a paper cup. I wouldn't watch it again, but if I did I would only watch the beginning and the end... unless, of course, I was high.

What it's worth to me:

Not weed. And not another rental. But maybe some itunes downloads.

Sabrena's word:

"Yeah, I feel like it's one of those movies that I'm scared to say that I don't like because the artsy people will think I just don't understand it. But, I didn't like it."

True dat Sabrena. Only- I'm totally not afraid of those artsy people.

Without a Paddle

Movie: Without a Paddle.

This was one of the best movies ever... to burn... in a fire.

Three morons (Dax Shepard, Matthew Lillard, and Seth Green) played three morons on a treasure hunt and we get to see their wacky adventures along the way.

I mean- come on. Let's be serious. Who makes these movies? What bunch of people sit down together and decide that this would be a hilarious box office hit. And who casted it? Some super original movie guru got Seth Green to play a short nerd and two other semi-actors to play his tall lesser-nerd friends. I'm pretty sure they just threw this script at people and signed anyone who read it.

Poor Paramount Pictures. What were you thinking?

What it is worth to me:

Nothing. Luckilly, I didn't pay to see this movie. I rented it from Sabrena's collection downstairs- even though she warned me of it's crap factor. Miles was crying during part of the film and David and I were doing other projects for the rest. I'm glad we had some other distractions. For this lack of a film, I'd have some Pepto-Bismol in one hand and maybe a good book in another. Hope you like it.